Open letter to my bathroom:
Dear Bathroom:
Listen, I only have a minute to write this as I'm late for work -- as you already know.
What I want to know, bathroom is, Why?
Why do you hate me so much? Why do you try to hurt me? What have I done to make you want to torment me with your alternating frigid and scalding shower water that makes showering every day resemble an olympic demonstration sport? Have I offended you? I know that I reported to the landlord that you have 4 cracked tiles -- I hope you know that it wasn't meant to embarass you. I was hoping he'd fix them, but we both know he won't.
And why, bathroom, does the shower head have to be attached to the low hanging beam on the angled ceiling like it is? Do you enjoy knowing that I have to crouch down a little and lean to the outside of the tub in order to shower? Do you rejoice when I crack my head on the beam every few days? I sense your gleeful anticipation of the day, that I lose my balance and perform a wild, naked uncontrolled falling arabesque for your amusement. Maybe I'll grab the shower curtain so that it crashes down on me as a finale? We both know it's just a matter of time.
But it's not my fault, bathroom. It's not my fault that your lightswitch doesn't work and that you have live wires hanging over the mirror where a light really should be. It's Belgium's fault. Yes, Belgium's fault. Belgium makes people take their lights with them when they leave apartments and not replace them with anything. Belgium makes light fixture store people close all the light fixture stores at 5pm so that nice people like me with jobs can't get to them. And it's Belgium, not me, that forces the electricians to work the same hours as the light fixture people.
Besides bathroom, don't you like the candlelight? I mean, don't we have a good time putting on my makeup oldschool... like 1886 oldschool. Besides bathroom, if we installed lights at this point, it might be too much of a shock for both of us, what with my having to clean you by candlelight -- God only knows what kind of a mess you really are. Maybe that's why you hate me? Maybe that's why your toilet runs for 9 to 10 minutes with every flush... maybe that's why your window won't open, maybe that's why the tap in your sink drips. I'll try to do better bathroom. Please just give me a 2nd chance. You are a very nice bathroom, and we both know that you are in an extremely expensive apartment that neither one of us can really afford to live in or to move out of. Besides, bathroom, we have the 9 year lease to think of. 9 years, bathroom. It's a long time.
We need to figure out how to get along.
Dear Bathroom:
Listen, I only have a minute to write this as I'm late for work -- as you already know.
What I want to know, bathroom is, Why?
Why do you hate me so much? Why do you try to hurt me? What have I done to make you want to torment me with your alternating frigid and scalding shower water that makes showering every day resemble an olympic demonstration sport? Have I offended you? I know that I reported to the landlord that you have 4 cracked tiles -- I hope you know that it wasn't meant to embarass you. I was hoping he'd fix them, but we both know he won't.
And why, bathroom, does the shower head have to be attached to the low hanging beam on the angled ceiling like it is? Do you enjoy knowing that I have to crouch down a little and lean to the outside of the tub in order to shower? Do you rejoice when I crack my head on the beam every few days? I sense your gleeful anticipation of the day, that I lose my balance and perform a wild, naked uncontrolled falling arabesque for your amusement. Maybe I'll grab the shower curtain so that it crashes down on me as a finale? We both know it's just a matter of time.
But it's not my fault, bathroom. It's not my fault that your lightswitch doesn't work and that you have live wires hanging over the mirror where a light really should be. It's Belgium's fault. Yes, Belgium's fault. Belgium makes people take their lights with them when they leave apartments and not replace them with anything. Belgium makes light fixture store people close all the light fixture stores at 5pm so that nice people like me with jobs can't get to them. And it's Belgium, not me, that forces the electricians to work the same hours as the light fixture people.
Besides bathroom, don't you like the candlelight? I mean, don't we have a good time putting on my makeup oldschool... like 1886 oldschool. Besides bathroom, if we installed lights at this point, it might be too much of a shock for both of us, what with my having to clean you by candlelight -- God only knows what kind of a mess you really are. Maybe that's why you hate me? Maybe that's why your toilet runs for 9 to 10 minutes with every flush... maybe that's why your window won't open, maybe that's why the tap in your sink drips. I'll try to do better bathroom. Please just give me a 2nd chance. You are a very nice bathroom, and we both know that you are in an extremely expensive apartment that neither one of us can really afford to live in or to move out of. Besides, bathroom, we have the 9 year lease to think of. 9 years, bathroom. It's a long time.
We need to figure out how to get along.
posted by Penless Artist at 7:36 a.m.
2 Comments:
9 YEAR CONTRACT!!!!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS!!!!!!!!
Uhhh... yep.
Standard contract in Belgium is/was called a 3-6-9. It means that your rent won't increase for 9 years (other than cost of living), but if you break your lease in the 1st year, you owe your landlord 3 months rent as a penalty. Leave in the 2nd yr., you owe 2 months, leaven in the 3rd you owe 1 month -- after which you don't pay a penalty. Per se. Unless you count having to do an outgoing inspection, the result of which the landlord accuses you of scratching the hardwoodfloors that were 'new' when you moved in, of cracking the tiles in your bathroom, of unpainting your walls... all of these damages you have to pay for. Oh, and then there's the matter of the mandatory 3-months notice.
Next life I get to be a Belgian landlord.
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